Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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