Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
