Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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