Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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