I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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