I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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