I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
