I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
