dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
