Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
