Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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