I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
