Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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