I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
