I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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