he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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