I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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