Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
