Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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