Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
