Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
