just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
