sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
