I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My penis needs a shock collar
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize