Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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