I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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