so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I want to fling myself into the sun
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
