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good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
