I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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