Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
