I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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