I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
