A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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