And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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