Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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