everyone is single if you try hard enough
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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