hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
