he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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