You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
