can u get pink eye on your cock?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
