So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
