Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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