If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize