you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
