Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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