Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He shit in the fireplace
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I did not marry a roomba.
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