Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
