i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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