i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
