Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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