is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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