Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize