"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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