i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
