dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
