SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
